Oxblood and Some Broken Hearts..

A cousin who’s suffering from a terrible broken heart asked me why I didn’t cry when I ended my almost 4yr relationship. It made me think actually. Every breakup that I’ve had in the past, I never shed a tear.

I told her it must be because I already cried buckets while I’m with them. And when I love, I always give my all so that when its time to let go, I know that I did everything already and I could no longer give more.

Most people would tell you to not give your 100% in love. That “leave something for yourself” line is such a cliché. But I never believe on it. When you love, you must give your all. Your everything. Your energy. Your life. So you don’t end up with “what ifs”. You don’t spend the rest of your life wondering if only you have given a little bit more.

This relationship has already caused me tons of heartaches. It has caused me to doubt my own ability of loving. I am not perfect. I keep on telling people that but I am me and I know I have done it all. That person I’m with may not see it the way I do but what matters is what I believe and what I know.

I came to a point where I question myself if I am capable of loving when I have lived 2 decades knowing I can. Sometimes love and people do that to you.

I am a strong girl with a very strong personality. That is my gift and my curse. A gift because I use it to protect the people I love. I use my strength to shield them from the pain of this world. From the hardships. From everything. But that also means  I endure all the pain that is not meant for me. Sometimes, I think I am giving people the authority to hurt me simply because they think I can handle it. But is that righteous? Well, what’s righteous anyway? Who defines righteousness?

I ended the relationship because I knew that another girl is already involved. I can fight with tooth and claws when it comes to people I love. But I won’t when I know that the person doesn’t deserve the bloodshed.

I am not perfect. I have caused that person pain as well. Some past mistakes I could never do something about. But I don’t deserve this. No woman deserve this. Ay meron pala, yung mga nang aagaw tapos galit pa sa inagawan. :) Yung mang aagaw ng iba tapos magmamalinis. Yung mga nagpapaagaw.

Don’t get me wrong. This is not a bitter post. But merely a statement. A statement from my heart. Maybe someday I will read this again. Maybe it’ll make me smile. Maybe sasabihin ko sa sarili kong “Akala mo lang yan te. Promise hindi ganyan yan.”. I always do that to my past self I swear! Minsan ganun ata talaga. Akala ko noon wagas ng pag ibig yung nararamdaman ko kay Carlo Aquino, aba! Wagas ngang pag ibig yun! Nyahahaha.. Wagas na paghanga na hindi nawawala dahil nagpapaalala sya sa akin ng masasayang araw ng pagiging bata. Ang dami kong iyak sa lintek na mamang yun. Ang dami kong poster sa kwarto. Nakakaloka!

I have loved deeply. And once again I have given my all. If you have truly loved me, and not the idea of loving me, then you would know. You would have felt it. You would have been happy. Because you would know that I have given you my best and my worst because I am human. I am not perfect. You don’t expect to only get the best of the person you love. You get the whole package. Like what I did to you. :) I have accepted everything. The tantrums. The demands. But now all of those are part of a memory I will always hold close to my heart. Because you have taught me some great lessons in life. This post is my goodbye to that phase of my life where you are included. This post is a hello to the future me. That someone who believes that she can be happy with or without a special someone. The future is bright for me and my family. The future is as colorful as my top here (asan na ang outfit details harhar!). I may be squinting now because I cannot see it clear. But one day, I will. And that sight would make me so happy. Because I truly deserve it.

This is what I wore on an afternoon of errands with my siblings and my inaanak. My future looks bright. Soon I will have something I own. I will have something I truly deserve. For now let me just enjoy blogging and spending time with my family. And of course, dressing up. Because a girl must feel beautiful with or without a lover. :)

Have a great week ahead everyone. My one major dilemma of being single? Not having movie dates! Or sometimes, having too much movie dates. Hahahahaha! Wala na kasi akong excuse dun sa iba. Now I have to choose between a friend and a friend. Hahahahaha..