(Originally posted on blogdrive dd Saturday, February 28, 2009)

i am so pissed! there are times when i dont really know what to write anymore. There are times when i dont even know how to react. she's so moody, so impatient, so insecure! i dont know! sometimes it feels like, she wants me to be somebody else. sometimes it feels
like, she's not prepared to adjust for me. not prepared to adjust to the messy situation that we're in. sometimes it feels like she's doing things to make our lives doubly hard!but i am damn inlove with her! and sometimes it feels so wrong!

CONFUSING – def. puzzling (from www.thesaurus.com).

A friend once said – “Confused and Confusing Kid ako! Nobody wants to listen to an emo kid! And its better that you don’t know me, you’d regret it if you knew me a little bit more.”

And I can’t even agree more! Hahaha..(loko ako! Mabasa nya to! Oh well!)

Mentally disoriented and puzzling??!! Hhhhmmm…Is it even possible? I mean, yeah! We can be a pain in the a@# sometimes but hey! I know in one way or another, somebody would understand us and what we’re going through and why we choose to be like this or do that. Right?!

Hell no!!! I won’t understand her! I mean! WTF! Why is she acting like one helluva loser?!! Is it even my fault?!! I ASKED!!!!!! I fucking asked you more than once! I am beginning to think am already being papansin so I stopped. But whatever!! Why do you have to make me look like a complete idiot there!? I AM NOT STUPID! Maybe you are. Thank you eTelecare Global Solutions and your 2 month people relations training. And thank you all irate callers of Vonage Technical Support. And thank you Jpeg Carino for always telling me to smile and chillax everytime an irate (S2pid!) caller is on the line. Coz I am sure I’d crush that girl right there and then if I am still the 4’10” dragon that I am in SPi. So I was there. I was smilling and saying “am sorry I didn’t know” with smiles on my face eventhough I wanna punch her and crush her glasses on her face. I mean, do you really have to act like that? What’s your fucking problem?!! You tell me!! And to think…she’s only like that to me! YES! To me! Me and my gorgeous ass! Wahahahah…grrrrr….

Nakakainis ka!!!

Loads of those! That’s what I always do these days…

Rumbling – def. The sound of complaint; Deep and slow sounding

Deep! Hell yeah! Very deep complaint! From my bone marrow to every fiber of my being, that’s what I always seem to do. Complain! But I do not shout it out to the world, like I used to. Now I make hush sounds that I cannot spit out. Too afraid that I might hurt her….hurt her more! Although I am more hurt in the process. In the first place, I didn’t do this on purpose. If only she could grow up and be a little more mature, maybe like a ten year old should. Then maybe, just maybe, things would be different. Somehow….

I’d never regret a single thing. All that that happened for the past months are things that I am so glad that happened. I learned. I am who I am because of those. I am not perfect. That is something I have accepted a long time ago. And I am glad of my imperfections. And I am still proud to be me. Still proud to be the little imperfect Aubrey that I am.

There used to be a time when I thought…”ah! Finally!” But now, my “ah! Finally!” seems like a far away dream again. I told a new friend, I am as clear as the water from the imburnal! Right now, I felt like I stumbled on the imburnal. Face down! And my “ah! Finally!” is there…but instead of giving me a helping hand, my “ah! Finally!” laughed and left me. There… on the imburnal! With no one but the smell and feeling of unimportance…………………………………………….